Wow. It's 6:35 in the morning. Awesome. @_@;;
That means I have school in twenty-five minutes. Sweet. @_@;;
And I didn't do any of my homework. Which means I have to do it in class... Flippin' fantastic... @_@;;

UGH.
Anyway...

The last few days have been basic. Kind of annoying but other than that fine. Only a little annoying because of my constant need to sleep. I think maybe I have an issue with being conscious. :]

Day before last, I went into my bedroom to clean it... and... I fell asleep at seven o'clock. Seven o'clock... LAME. Why?! I don't know... The day before that, I missed the bus because I slept in for... two hours. Yesterday I fell asleep at around 6:30.

I'm a mess. D:
Oh, and my hair.
I'm extremely upset about my hair.

It looks like a mullet had sex with a squirrel. It's terribly hideous.
I wish I would never have let my mom cut my bangs. Worst mistake of my life. I loved my old hair. Like... looooved it. And I hate this current mess of hair that sits upon my cranium.

I guess I could get it cut or something, but I don't know what kind of hair I'd want... And if I could, I'd dye it black. Deep, dark, black. I'd love that. :D

But my dad always said; "only girls and fags get their hair dyed, Brandon. You aren't a girl, are you? Then what ARE you?"
ugh. ;o;

Anyway, I'm about to go to school. Well, catch the bus. I get to catch the bus to my glorious Fairfield Area High School; home of the Fairfield Knights. I get to roam the halls as I pretend to enjoy conversing with friends and such when the only person I care to see couldn't care less about me. Well, I'm number three on his myspace... but... (YES. I WENT FROM FOUR TO THREE!) I know he doesn't think of me the way I think of him. Which, in all seriousness, is fine. I mean, he's straight. He's always telling me how much he loves Carrie, this girl who we're both friends with. And he's probably not bisexual.. and even if he is he would definitely deny it.

Oh! And my school, in the past two days, has received; two fire drill false alarms (pulled by a student) and one notorious bomb thread (written on paper in barely legible script by some half-minded idiot). So yay.

Half of me wants that bomb to go off, and not harm a single person; and let us have school off for a week.
The other half wants a cookie.

But, I decided I'd fast today. To see if I can do it!
I've never really tried...

<33 Brandon

The black sheep. I'm the polar opposite of my parents. I'm everything they hate. :]

My father is extremely discriminatory, and once made the comment; ''we should just hang all those queers.''
And I'm bisexual/gay. (not completely sure...)

My parents are Christian, and preach to me about God all of the time...
I'm agnostic.

My parents once made the comment, about people who cut themselves, that they were ''sick in the head, and will end up in an asylum."
I have a teensy weensy little problem like that. D:

My father is really into hunting and fishing, and says that God put animals here for us to kill them. He says that if you don't eat animals you are no better than animals, and that you deserve to be hunted.
I'm a vegetarian!

WEEEEE!
LOL

<33

 I hate it here. D:

Like, seriously. Worst place ever.

Backwards, white trash infested...

Ignorant intolerant.

SUCKS.

Can't wait to move to New York! <33

Today was... sufficient. Well, if you can even call it a day...
I mean, I woke up at eleven o'clock and took a shower. A long-ass shower and then I went out into the kitchen.. and got on the computer; where I spent all of my day... basically.

At one point I went outside and shoveled cow manure out of the back of my father's truck and into the pile with which he will fertalize his garden this year. I actually didn't mind overmuch, because today was warm and breezy. I shoveled a lot of it, and felt good about my deed. :]

After that, Dyani called. She's pretty awesome.
I invited her over, and she's here now~

We got Chinese food earlier, and then we rented some movies. I rented 30 Days of Night, but I won't watch it till tomorrow, because Dyani has already seen it. It's about vampires! ^,....,^

Other than my daily stuff, I'm extremely worried; I'm about to apply for my first job.

And... what about the cuts? I know... lame of me to mention them in every blog... but...
How will I conceal them in a tee-shirt working in a kitchen serving people ice cream and hot dogs?

I don't know how.
If anyone DOES know how, please send me a message or comment.

I really want this job, but I know they'll require me to wear a tee-shirt... D:

Anyway... I'm in the basement on the 'forbidden' computer. ONOES. :]

THANKSMUCH.
BRANDON. <33

Well, I stupidly confided in an actual friend about my cutting issue today; and I don't know much about how she feels about it. All I know is that now she thinks I should seek help. AWESOME. D:

Sweet. Today rocked my socks.
I'm kind of hyper for some reason, maybe because I'm lame.

Anyway, today was basically one of my favorite most recent days. Everything went as planned, basically.
I woke up and went to school, after getting all of my graphic novels in order so I could read them as I finished the one prior. Great stuff, I assure you~!

Didn't eat breakfast. Didn't eat lunch. Ate dinner, though.
I guess I feel guilty; because I promised myself I would exercise tonight; but I ditched it with a fake headache. I'm such a fat loser. D:

Oh. The only bad part of my day was Science, as usual. Yeah, the rednecks. *sob*
They threw pencils at me again, and instead of lightly tossing them they threw them HARD. I mean, like... they threw them at the velocity of which it begins to hurt. And then they threw uncapped markers, that made marks on my drawing pad and on my shirt. My palms became sweaty and I started to tense up; but I told myself that I was above their idiotic ways of torture and that I'd get through it.

And I did. :D

So here I am.
I realize I haven't written an entry in quite some time. Maybe it's because I've been caught up with being overly lame. I've actually been playing a lot of Pokemon games. Yes... Pokemon... ugh.

Oh, and an update; on the cutting issue. Dear god. D:
I now have five parallel lines on my forearm.

I guess I'm an idiot.
Everyone told me not to.
But... I desperately wanted to.
I had terrible days.
Where no one cared.
I couldn't cry, even though I wanted to.
I couldn't shed a single drop of sadness; so I shed drops of pain.

I'm a failure.

-----------------------------------------

On a lighter note; I get to sit at lunch with my crush tomorrow.
Yay. <33

Finally, after three long days... the internet is working again! :D
I had to rewire some stuff, and it took me all of an hour to figure out where the blue cord went... but... I gots it!

So, I guess I should write up a little about today; a perfectly ordinary Friday... I guess...
There's not much, but I'll throw it out there just because I've missed my LiveJournal for the couple of days I was away from it.

----------------------------------

Woke up, went to school; pretended to be distant and unfriendly to those around me. Well, mostly just to my close friends. There's this party on Saturday (tomorrow) that I really want to go to, but I hadn't been invited yet. It's a bonfire party at this girl's house, and they're usually really fun. Besides, my 'special guy friend' will be there; and there's always a game of butt-tag going on! <33

So I pretended to be the emo that I apparently am (and I am most definitely unhappy about it. I reread my latest entry to LJ and it made it look like I enjoyed cutting myself... which I regret immensely. I can't wear tee-shirts in my own home! D:) and no one caught on... except my close friend! :P

And she wanted me to goooo! Apparently I had been invited since the party was planned bu never actually 'invited'. So today in French 1 the girl, whom I'm not too fond of, invited me to go! It's tomorrow night, from 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM. I can't wait, I need this kind of thing. I haven't really enjoyed myself with my current friends for a long while; there's only one problem I'm having right now.

My one friend desperately wanted to hang out this weekend, and we NEVER get to see each other because she goes to another school and lives in another state. Luckily she's only about ten minutes away from where I live, so we can see each other on weekends. She's been kind of depressed lately, and I think I might be her only really good friend. I can tell her anything; she knows about my being bi, my past emo week... Anyway, we're really close and everything. And she's been uber depressed just recently and really needed to hang out...

So I feel bad. :[

I shouldn't be going to the party when my best friend needs me so much... but... I want to hang out with 'him'.
Hopefully I can play naive when he gets me in butt tag, and maybe I can get HIM back!!

Other than that, I finally went through the entire school day without having paper thrown at me. I was still made fun of by the red necks, and they even walked by me and said 'fag' under their breath, but at least I had a shred of dignity when I caught the bus to go home.

So I'm going to a party tomorrow.
Yay for what I think is a social life!

<33 Brandon

BTW- I'll make sure to post what goes on at the bonfire party.

Maybe I should just change the title to shitty week?
That's what I'm having, anyway...

Hopefully it'll get better by Friday. :[
Anyway, here's what happened today. :P

--------------------------------

The morning was perfectly uneventful; aside from me being desperately scared because of a few thin cuts on my forearm. Sadly, last night I gave into the urge to cut myself. My day had been such a terrible one that all I wanted to do was sit there, reflect on it. I don't know if cutting myself was the perfect idea... but it felt good. I reached to the back of my closet, pulled out a slightly dusty tool-box. After I'd retrieved a small plastic box from within, I took it to the bathroom and opened it up. Inside were five box-cutter blades... I received this tool box a year ago, from my favorite uncle. I doubt he knew I'd use it to inflict self harm... but... I did. :]

I cleaned the blades under very hot water and used a lot of soap. For some reason they were 'ewwy' and covered in some sort of grease. I didn't want THAT going through my veins, so I basically just washed it off until it shined. Then I went back to my room and... did it.

I... guess I'm kind of a freak but it really helped me get over how bad my day was. At least during it I could focus on the pain I was causing myself rather than the emotional pain I had endured all throughout the day...

----------------------------

Anyway, I was worried because... I didn't want anyone to find out that I had two parallel marks carved into my forearm. So I put on a long sleeved hoodie and caught the bus to school. On the way there I could only think about what I'd done. And I felt accomplished; usually I would never be able to do something like that...

But the entire day I was conscious about the marks on my arms. I kept my sleeves the entire way, because I definitely didn't want the whole... attention thing. Except from my one friend... I wanted her to find out so badly.

She's been bulimic for a long while and I kind of wanted some leverage... I care about her a lot and she makes herself vomit because she thinks she's fat; even though she's one of the skinniest and most attractive girls I know.  At one point I almost hinted towards what I did, but I decided against it. I don't want people to find out... because I WANT them to find out.

So I got to hang out with my 'special guy' today. The one who thinks we're just friends when I want so much more. We battled with brooms and he actually slapped a large piece of wood across my.. butt. :]

I'm such a pervert. <3

Anyway.. that was the ONLY good part of the day. The rest of it was pure shit...
I pretty much failed a math test, and then I got to go to Youth Group with a few of my friends, even though I'm agnostic. I guess I kind of just go to go. I don't go to take anything away from it, I kind of just go to hang out with my friends.

And speaking of friends, I don't know if my best friend is even that... All she ever does it keep secrets from me. I feel like she's a different person than when we started out in seventh grade. After being friends for so long I would wish that we'd be a little closer than we really are. She keeps so much from me, and I guess I should respect her privacy but I'm BASICALLY honest with her...

The last period was the worst ever. They decided to throw more paper at me and then they wrote the word 'gay' and then an arrow pointing towards me. I could barely keep from crying by the end of the class and I was shaking so frantically. I wanted to break down, reach into my pocket, take out a box-cutter, and slice up right there... but I didn't.

I just ignored them, and then I went to hang out with a few of my friend's after school...
That worked out well, I guess.

I think I might cut myself again. D:

God, today just plain out sucked. I mean, it couldn't have been worse unless maybe I had been stabbed a few times. Ugh. Sometimes I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. It was terrible, and therefore I will describe it to you. :]

It started out normal enough; me waking up and getting ready. I even finished my shower early and had enough time to do some of the homework I have been neglecting for so long. I caught the bus without eating breakfast and when I got to school I was convinced it was going to be a pretty rockin' day.

I was wrong.

In the morning I went to sit with my friends, before classes started, and the very first thing I learn is that everyone had a great, productive, break. You see, we all had a four day weekend, which is pretty special this time of the year. They all described how they hung out with their friends and their lovers, and I couldn't help but feel a little left out.

I mean, I didn't expect to be invited to some gigantic party or anything; but I could have at least caught a movie with someone. I kind of just ignored everyone's stories about how they spent their break and talked amongst a few of my other friends. Before long it was time to go to class, and I was as depressed as I sulked away to first period.

The morning went by quite well, actually; until fourth and fifth period. But in third period... I really had fun. Third period is my Material Processing B class; shop. I hate the class, hate most of my classmates, and I hate the teacher. Any other day I wouldn't have had any fun whatsoever... but I did.

The guy of my eternal longing is in this class with me, and whenever we have enough time to talk it can turn my emotions from black to white. We spent forty minutes sword fighting with large pieces of wood, cutting apart a pencil case, and all the while he talked to me about World of Warcraft. I think I love him because of how nerdy he is. He apparently could 'run me through some of the dungeons'. :]

I always have this feeling that MAYBE he's flirting with me. I know it's probably me deluding myself, but I guess if someone is looking hard enough for something they know isn't true, they begin to take things falsely into account. Of course, we laugh and joke all of the time. I even try to trip him in my math class... and then he walks by and pulls my hood up over my head. And then I looked up, and turned away just as quickly.

I can never look directly at him. He's perfect. For me, anyway. I can't look into his eyes for fear that he'll find the hidden meaning. I want to so badly, but I can't. He'll always be just outside of my reach. I'm sure if I could only stretch my arms a little farther I'd find that I could embrace him.. but he would pull away just as quickly. And then our friendship would be ruined, and we couldn't flirt anymore.

And that's basically all I have right now.
Aside from flirting with him I've only got drawing and listening to music. Everything else is just a complete let-down.

We've never hung out, either. I'm starting to consider asking him to hang out at some point, but I wonder if he'd make an excuse and blow me off.

-----------------------------

From shop to math was just a mottled blur of me trying to forget everything. I walked from class to class and completed numerous amounts of work that I can't even begin to remember now. But, after math... I have Environmental Field Studies.

In any other period, this would be my favorite class.

Mr. Kastu is nice enough. He doesn't give to much homework, he's conscious of the environment and a vegetarian to boot. I guess I can kind of admire how he is as a person. Other kids don't seem to think so highly of him. Anyway, he isn't going to be here all week. That, too, would usually be awesome; we have Mrs. Slimms who is my favorite substitute teacher in the world.

She once referred to me as her 'favorite funny guy' and she talks to me often in class. When she subbed my gym class she allowed me to sit out when everyone else had to play volleyball. Anyway, she's also the director of the school play I'm in.

Also in this class, which would otherwise be perfect, are a group of mentally unstable white trash racists. I hate them all so much. They discriminate and make fun of anyone they can; and I'm always the prime target. I sit right next to this kid who is apparently so much better than me that he can just say whatever he wants... (of course he's kind of cute; I'd never admit it but he's got beautiful blue eyes and a great ass)

So today I was sitting there, trying to write about owl pellets and the number of rodents contained therein, when the people behind me (including the one with the great ass) decided it would be hilarious to throw pencils at me. The one throwing them was this kid whom I hadn't really ever had anything against. He was quiet and I had been partners with him in gym numerous times. But apparently he had something against me.

Every time they threw things at me I ignored them. There was nothing I could do.

I couldn't tell them to stop (although I tried twice) because I knew that if I did they'd just retaliate by making fun of that. As they continued to pelt me with pencils and then laugh at my expense, I became very cold and I was aware that my face and ears were very hot. I felt like crying, and I kept looking up at the clock to see how much time left I had to endure. Too much, it seems.

I just wish that Mrs. Slimms had noticed. I wanted some sort of justice for the humiliation I had endured... I hadn't done a thing to any of them and yet they continued to bother me.

She didn't notice; and by the time we all were dismissed I was basically shaking. But every time Mrs. Slimms came over to me I would just pretend everything was fine. I don't know why, but I kind of felt that if I told her I'd be subject to much crueler endeavors, so I just ignored the pencils as they ricocheted off of my back, and onto the floor.

And then I went home and slept until nine o'clock.

My day was terrible. (except for shop class) :]

Wow, My first LJ post! Yeah, awesome! Well, maybe it's just a little bit pathetic. I mean, I should have better things to do... But, I guess I kind of need a place like this one to convey the feelings that I can't share with those in my actual life. I mean, there's a lot more to me than what those around me see and hear.

At least here I can say things I mean, rather than things I want people to think I mean. Here, where no one knows my entire name, I can say anything on my mind without fear of ridicule and endless criticism. I guess this can be kind of a way for me to vent those feelings I just have to get out of my system, because for a long time I have been ignoring them, and only reciting them to myself in my head.

Of course, I am a tiny bit wary about this whole 'total secrecy' thing. I mean, although I haven't used my entire name anywhere, and I haven't used the actual place in which I live, I can't shake the feeling that someone will search hard enough to find me, and that maybe that someone won't have my best interest at heart. Then again, I guess I don't care; I can always delete and deny.

Oh yeah, and now I finally have a place to post some of my art! I've tried DeviantArt, but I always find that I'm extremely ashamed when my art is placed right next to the fantastic pieces of awesome that other, more gifted, people have created. Here, though, I'm sure I'm surrounded by just as many people who 'think' they have the gift of art; so I can just as easily blend in!

Sweet, I've already got four paragraphs. I guess I'm not so bad as I thought I would be. Of course, most of this has been basic rantings of the mundane 'first entry'; so I guess I shouldn't get too cocky.

I don't think I will be saying much about my life right now. It just doesn't seem fitting to tell everything within the very first hour of my LJ life. I think maybe I'll just allow my life to unfold in what I recap about days to come; rather than what I assume my life to be as of now.

I hope maybe someone can read and relate to my life, because I know I'm just your generic teenage guy; but maybe someone else out there is just as generic, and just as awesome? I'd love to make some new friends; ones that will probably know more about me than my school ones. Ones that maybe know more about what I think I'm going through and what I think I'm all about.

Brandon